“My childhood not complicated, simple but still hurts”
My father was bipolar, which was not well known in the years end seventeens.
I was part as a warm and happy family, but at the age between four and five things did change.
My dad did starting gambling again which create a lot of friction between my parents.
The warm and happy family started to collapse and it did get worse when dad started having bipolar episodes.
Things did go wrong when it happened on regular base, my sister and I where locked up in the large bedroom.
When my father had is episodes or mood swing I still remember him listening to music, while being singing in a melancholic way, crying and of course drinking which could sometimes lead to aggressive behavior.
I didn’t experience much about it, I was only five and was still not developed. It’s like not being able to have feelings at that time I guess.
Back to the large bed room, dough it became more like a closet to avoid the noise.
“My schooltime”
There is nothing to tell about my schooltime, I didn’t fit in at all and my anxiety levels keeps rising and it became impossible to go to school. I past a lot with my nanny, a safe zone just like just like the large bed room.
Sins things didn’t get better it was time for a child psychiatrist, separate consultations first me and than my mother. She asked me why I could not make friends at school, the only question she asked me and I did burst into tears. I still see that as cruel way to confront a kid that way. It was my mother turn, very simple :
” It’s not an environment to raise kids”
” Your son feels guilty for the friction between parents”
“I still feel guilty”
“As times goes by”
After primary school it was a release for me, felt like high school was a new opportunity and I was no longer depressed that I used in my childhood. It wasn’t perfect the first years but at the fourth year I decided to follow the art direction, it was the best decision I made. I learned so much about philosophy, expression, spontaneity, free thinking, creativity and for the first time I felt my place in the art studios. It was a place where I was educating myself and leave my childhood on the background, you could say that I find the way to self education. I am still proud about it.
” Time to work”
I started as sales man in a store, I loved it and was good at it. Always nice to be number 3 in the top 200 salesman/women around multiple stores in Belgium. After three years it was time to move on to a job with more challenge and I had the opportunity to work for a multinational, IT related. Sins I had a lot of time with my former job I had the chance to educate me in server operating systems like Microsoft, Linux and Unix. I had to educate retailers, I was around 24 but I did manage the responsibility.
“When things get wrong”
” Moving on I was promoted to three functions, taking care of the internal and external company network, multinational customers and being both pre and executive consultant. I loved it, every customer asked for me in case of trouble and I never failed to deliver. It began to be a kind of reward, worst it became making yourself more worthful and (loved). I lost the healthy balance between IQ and EQ. IQ became central but insane and unhealthy.
“Intimacy”
“At 28 I had everything, a good paying job and a house. I felt the need to settle, having a long term girlfriend and raise a family. I didn’t had a girlfriend for about more than 8 years, something felt wrong at that time. For a long time I came back from long trips for my work and came back home with only one question in my mind, why am I doing this ? After a long day at work I felt that there was no reason to go home, it was empty and I felt lonely. It was also frustrating when friends starting questioning why I had no girlfriend, at work it did occur also frequently. At that time I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me, I felt like different but in a negative way. I was stuck and I became depressed after a while, it took three month’s and I restarted working half time for a while. At that time I did not clearly known why I had a depression but I was to shy to talk about it. What I didn’t knew is that I didn’t learn what intimacy was during my childhood, it did take some time to understand that.
“Dad is in trouble”
“Shortly after my first depression I received a letter from the bank, my father was in debt and had no longer access to his banking accounts. It was time to figure out what happened and paid him a visit, arriving at his place we decided to take a walk. At that time I had no clue what a bipolar disorder was but he was extremely manic, what came out of his mouth was insane and honestly I was dead scared. I went home that night and I could not sleep, I had to find out a plan to get him out of trouble. The next day I visited him again and he was no longer manic, I decided to pay of his debt but I had no clue if he had created more debt elsewhere. It was a lost cause so after some research I found a solution, budget management (OCMW) will give him a credit card with a weekly budget and most important creditors must accept the budget management handling. We had a first appointment and I had a good feeling about it, to be honest being in the waiting room felt uncomfortable I was more used to my visits to multinationals witch is of course a complete different environment. Budget management took one month to get active so I had to take care of my dad for the time being. Maybe it took a toll on me to go to Oostende, I was driving to my customers in Benelux and at the same make room to frequently visit my dad and sometimes asking my manager if I could take a break when necessary. My dad wasn’t very smart so his market visits where not planned well and he called me frequently because he ran out of food, these are of course basic needs so I rushed a lot to get in Oostende in time. After a month budget management became active so the only thing I had to do is visit my dad and visit OCM for an update how things where going. After all I was happy that everything was running smoothly, maybe the long trips from Benelux to Oostende where exhausting sometimes. I did everything that was necessary, but it was without any emotion towards my dad. They say with age come regret, I still feel bad about it today.
“A broken mind”
“I still remember telling my dad that I had a depression, he simply said that it will come back and he was right. Around thirty I started to have depressions from four months shortly an episode of six months and even a third one but I lost count. These depressions where major ones, the only tough in my mind was going to sleep and never wake up. It took some time before I get diagnosed as bipolar type one, depression, mania, rapid cycling, psychotic, anxious. I must admit that my medication gives me some protection but psychotic is something I can’t control, time just stand still for a while or longer. Things change when you are bipolar for more than twenty years, you learn to think in feelings instead of symptoms. Sometimes I wonder if my childhood and bipolar disorder do cross each other, but my childhood feels different except for anxiety. I still can’t stand people arguing and when it get physical I just leave directly, if I would be yelled at or worse attacked physically I would go into panic attack. It looks very familiar with the isolating room during my childhood.
“A chaotic mind”
After taking the covid vaccine I lost all my lithium in less than twenty four hours. I was psychotic and went to emergency twice, the second day it was clear that there was no lithium in my blood. I was forty three and had being stable for a long time, I did get a negative remark and it hit at my most sensible point. As a child I would say “please don’t hurt me again”.
It is the worst period of my entire life, nobody did hurt me that way intensely at the exact place where it hurts the most.
If was pushed far away from my breaking point, and I experienced feelings that no one should face.
For the first time I missed my dad so much and when going back in time I realized that I did it all wrong.
“It’s my fault”
I started drinking heavily, I couldn’t stand the pain without it.
There is a lot more during this period that ended around forty seven, I cannot write or talk about it.
“Unlearn what you have learned”
“Sins there was alcohol abuse sins forty three I hooked on alcohol for seven years, it was time todo something about it. You can’t continue drinking more and more and sins I was stable around forty seven I was stable again it was the right time to do something about. But for who would I do it, for me or for my liver. I guess I did go into the role to prove that I am worthfully, it is a task that had to be completed just like when I was working.
At some point dopamine started to go very low, not good for my bipolar disorder and my childhood. It did feel like climbing back on a high mountain, but the further I did get the mountain seems to grow higher. I guess this is the challenge where most people with any kind of addiction give up, honestly I can understand it because it’s quite cruel.
What did happen after the long climb, I guess it was to intensive and I started to get psychotic.
I saw a red line marked with “Do not cross this line”
I did and I relived my childhood just like I was five years old. I cried a lot for weeks, but after a month my childhood became inactive like it used to be. I lost a part of my alcohol reflex and did continue to keep the leach as short as possible.
I feel better now, my drinking is reduced to at around sixty percent but my dopamine can still have dropdowns. I am so bored when it happens, I guess after seven years heavy drinking it will take a while to fully recover.
Time will tell if I decide to keep alcohol on a leach or definitely stop drinking.
“Happiness”
“When I see my in-laws family and other people happiness and good health seems to be normal. Sins a long time living out of the box I replaced the word happiness by joy, I rather live in the moment. I guess I learned the way of a simplistic life, most day’s are just to short for me and I never feel really lonely.
“A part of me wanted to share my childhood story maybe to give more insight to someone who is capable and is very emphatic. And the other part of me is the one who is ashamed of who he is.”